I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
