I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
