I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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