Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
