my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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