You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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