Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
