just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
