i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
