if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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