Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We got so high we made milksteak
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
