come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
