My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
