I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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