i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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