dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
