Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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