So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
As shirtless as possible
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
