Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
