my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
