Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
