All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I want to be your penis for a week.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
