There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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