You can't special order awesome
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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