i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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