I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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