My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
