He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
