im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
