Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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