The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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