First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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