Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I believe in your delicious
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
