I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
