I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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