ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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