I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
