come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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