Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
