did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
