I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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