id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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