Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
