im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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