i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
