Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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