she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
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I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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