It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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