I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
