My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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