I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
