Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
