Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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